Walking the Middle Path with your Teen

Anyone who has ever engaged in a power struggle with a teen knows that they are challenging, emotionally draining, and, most importantly, impossible to win. Teens are skilled negotiators and can see the world in shades of gray, rather than the black and white hues of their latency years. Because of this, they successfully debate their point of view, accurately point out the faults of the adults that care for them, and (partially because of their youth) have endless energy to advocate in favor of their point of view.

As adults, we may feel it’s important to re-instill the notion that we are actually in charge and know best. After all, we are the parent/grownup/teacher/coach etc. We can dig in our heels and insist on our point of view. This tends to get us nowhere. These sorts of arguments become demoralizing and create more distance. Teens tend to already feel quite alienated - the more we battle and refuse to compromise, the more this feeling of alienation tends to grow.

If you find yourself in this back and forth tug of war with your teen, you may want to take a moment to consider the value of compromise. Unless there is a clear safety issue involve, likely you and your teen can come to an agreement that suits you both. You can treat these “negotiations” as if you were a mediator. Take out a sheet of paper and write down both of your points of view. Once you have come to an agreement, you can write it down, sign it and place it in a place where everyone can read it (on the fridge, for example).

Finding a “Middle Path,” a term taken from both eastern philosophy and a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), teaches us that an answer can be found somewhere between both extreme positions. So, to give an overly simplified example, if you want your teen to come home at 8pm and they want to come home at 12pm, you may agree to 9:30pm-10:30pm.

We can think about how finding this more neutral position could be used in a wide range of situations, such as work, arguments with a friend or a partner, or our own thinking patterns.